It was summer.  I’m driving to work without A/C on.  The traffic is slightly congested as I gently pass between gaps of all the poor souls commuting to work on night shift.  Hopefully some of them are simply going home, while I was on my way to one of the most disruptive companies on the face of this Earth.

I zoned out.

My 1994 Honda Accord EX Sedan with my shitty exhaust, tinted windows, and automatic turned into my dream car.  I turned the air off as I could start to feel the humidity and heat build up in the car from the evening summer weather.
“I have to get used to this if I want to race.”
A few beads of sweat dripped down the side of my face into my eye.  My commute turned into a blurry make believe race track as I visualized myself on the track on some endurance race.  The sound of my shit automatic shifting and droning off my too-loud-for-this-car exhaust.

I blinked.

I’m sitting in the “cockpit” of my car, engine idling.  There was no A/C, there is no interior, and the sound of the engine was deafening through my helmet.  Sweat is drenched on the back of my full carbon fiber bucket seat.  The 5 point harness is riding up my crotch of my racing suit and the HANS made my neck stiff.

I exhaled.

Those moments commuting to work pretending to be in a race car enduro.  Those moments when I let the car get hot to simulate driving in adverse conditions.

I inhaled.

I shifted into first gear as the engine revved up as I crept up to my position on the starting grid.  The heat poured into the cabin which was no longer insulated.  The engine grew louder; deafening in my helmet.  The vibrations from the chassis felt in my seat, in my hands on the shifter, and through my steering wheel.  Past memories of my commuted car faded away as my focus became in the now.  Officials began prepping the start.

My visor goes down.

3 Red lights.

Took my first 10ml dose of cardarine.  Woke up for work with almost no soreness and tightness in my right hand from climbing the other day.

No visible changes yet.  Slept very well.  Haven’t felt any adverse reactions or negative reactions.  Going to take my 2nd day dose in about 20 minutes.

Couldn’t really tell if it affected my endurance during calisthenics this morning, but I did feel like I could push harder even after doing pull ups with the weight vest.

I’ll give it the 2nd week before I actually see and feel obvious results.  Or…maybe not.  Worst case scenario it has no effect at all.  Workout did feel pretty good though.

We’ll see.

Intro to OM was indescribable today.  I felt like blogging it, but I just.  I feel too drained to describe it.  It requires a lot of effort to put it on a blog, but at this very moment now.  I feel like I actually need to internalize this feeling.  I feel like I need to keep it deep within my being so it can take root, sprout, grow, and bloom then the testament of the practice and community of OM will be the product.  The beautiful flower.  The strong but graceful redwood tree.  I think it’s okay to do that this time.  It feels good.  Maybe when I’m ready I’ll send this electrical current outwards, but right now the generator is generating :3.

Easy climb.  No big deal.  Just climb up this 5.9, work on a bit of technique, body coordination, proprioception, and we’re all good.  Tyler gets to practice his lead belay…

[3rd draw clipped, going for 4th draw]

*literally hands are getting clammy as I type this*

[left hand on big jug]

Feet are good, 3 points of contact, left hand on jug.
I can feel the grit of the plastic hold sink into my fingers.
I can feel the chalk on my hands.
My body gets ready to lock my arm off.
My fingers sink into the hold.
My arm is straight and barely flexed enough to not have my arm put any stress on my shoulder.
I isolate that tension into my fingers.
I do my best to relax everything else.
I’m locked off.
Slowly, I reach for my rope starting at the knot of my harness.
The rope runs through the palm of my hand over my thumb and in between my index.
I slightly pull on the hold.
I exhale…
…and go to clip into the 4th draw

[left hand hold snaps off clean]

I felt like I paused in mid air.
What was probably less than half of a second, I realized what had happened.
That half second slowed down to what felt like 1 second (which is a lot when you’re falling).
Whatever-part-of-my-brain took over and I let go.
Whether I mean or feel like that was figuratively or literally, I don’t know.
Training took over.
Muscle memory took over.
It was as if I let go myself.
I kept the exhale and accepted the fall.

I waited for the belay…

At literally the very last second or half second or nanoseconds, I felt the rope tighten.
Literally nanoseconds after my toes it the deck.
Naturally I began to roll back as training from mixed martial arts kicked in.
The very tips of my toes hit the mat more than less of a half second after I felt tension in the rope.
My body was already getting ready for a squatting position.
As the rest of my foot began to come in contact with the ground.
My body was already transferring that kinetic energy down to my ankles, my calves, my hamstrings, to my glutes…
I was in a full squat.
I felt the energy dissipate as my ass touched the ground.
I felt my chalk bag under me as I rolled onto my back.
It felt like I had just stood up and rolled back.
Actually lighter…
A puff of chalk was on the mat.

I fell about 40 maybe 50 feet.  It was a 3.5 to 4 draw fall.  Every draw is very roughly I’d say a 7-10 foot drop.

I got up, heart rate normal, exhaled, turned to Tyler and smiled.

“Well, that was a gnarly fall…”

As I looked up I saw the broken hold with the bolt in the wall.
I looked down at the ground at the triangular orange hold.
I picked it up and examined the back.
The hold snapped off clean.

I honestly forgot who asked me first, because in reality I kinda still wasn’t there.  I was there, but not there.  I felt stuck in the moment right before I felt the belay.  I felt stuck in the moment right before my feet or toes rather, touched the ground.  Maybe that’s why I wasn’t panicked?  I’m not sure.  That’s just what I did.  It just felt like any other fall, except this one wasn’t intentional or warranted LOL.

I went to the front desk, explaining to them I broke a hold off.  Maybe…possibly fell from 3 draws (when it was pretty much 4).  One of them laughed thinking it was sarcasm.  Then realized I wasn’t joking.  As his expression changed, I reassured him.  I went back to the wall and intended to finish the easiest lead climb in the entire fucking gym.  It was a practice route.  It was a 5.9.

I finished it, but the reason why I did was because I knew well enough that if I hadn’t, my subconscious would never let it down.  Even when I went to redo the climb, I felt a slight hesitation.  I did another one after that and I was still good.  Needless to say, the event was…I wouldn’t say traumatic, but was a shocker enough to shake Tyler up on his climb.  I told him to either take a break or call it a night.  Especially when you go to climb and call a “take” instead of “clipping”.  Yeah Tyler, you’re mentally done.  Climbing is more of a mental game than physical.  I find that now being less of an amateur, it’s more about the mental break than a physical and/or anatomical break.  You’re inside your head and you’re mentally tired.

Well.  That was my night in a nutshell.  The best part is I had just gotten to the rock climbing bit in The Rise of Superman by Steven Kotler…hahahaha.  Oh man.

What’s even more interesting is the other after affects that I noticed while I was driving home and felt even stronger when I was throwing my fruits and veggies into the blender.  What if Renae flakes on me?  Why hasn’t Amber texted back (brushes it off, she’s an RA that has a deadline on Wednesday, it’s cool) ? They’re both busy, that’s not in my control.  The hold snapping on me wasn’t in my control.  What can you actually do at that point?  The hold snaps and you’re free falling hoping your belayer will stop your fall before you deck out.
For the record the thought of me breaking my legs never crossed my mind.  I just accepted the fall and…fell.  Just like any other fall that I took intentionally or saw coming.
What if Renae doesn’t show up? What if she flakes?  What if Amber doesn’t want to hang out again? What if next week won’t work and I get back from Mt. Rushmore and she gets bored and the fire dies out?  What if it doesn’t go well with Anna?

The realization of this simple event…my subconscious flooded to other areas to fuck with me.  I realize that.

[takes a deep breath in real life]

Just breathe.  That’s all I can do.  Stoicism right here, enjoy what is happening.  It’s funny because one of my affirmations is, “I find the joy in being single”.  I was laughing, smiling, and acting normal after the “fall”.  I potentially could have almost died and here I am worrying about women.  Hey, the brain can’t tell.  Getting let down by women and actually dying are the same thing because the same contraption in your brain is responsible for both of those things.  It can’t tell the difference.  Asking a girl out and falling and dying on a climb.  Same thing.

I just needed to blog that.  What an interesting experience.

Oh and also.  Ama is back in my garage :).  Everything will work out perfectly and it will continue to do so.

I would’ve gone crazy if I wasn’t able to make it out of the house.

I’m already frustrated Ama is still not running, but that will get fixed tomorrow.  I’m hoping they’ll be able to fix the starter and the EVAP code.  Afterwards, she deserves some upgrades and a lot of TLC.  I’ve been on OKC again for a week or so now?  Then went on Tinder yesterday lol.  Casting the net again?  I try really hard to put myself in the best position, to be “there” at the right time and the right place.  It’s hard.  I struggle day in and day out.  It’s been pretty hard recently.  Getting outside to St.  Helena will be exactly what I need.  I need to take it all in, take it slow.  I want to reset, because I think I’m turning into a robot again.  Maybe it snuck up on me when I did the overtime.  I felt like I should’ve worked overtime yesterday, but it probably wouldn’t have been worth it.  I do stupid shit when I get stuck at home, I pace back and forth wanted to do something if I sit still.  I’m a mover and shaker.  Maybe that’s why I don’t play video games anymore?  I dunno.  I just can’t seem to sit still, at least not this month.  I’m going to wait to purchase a daily driver.  Stocks are down today, NBD.  Expected.  I’ll give it to the end of this week.  I don’t want to work overtime anymore, I need more time to myself.  I need to work on myself more and I won’t be able to do that if I’m at work.  I want enough time to work on my car and/or the ability to work on my car.  I want to meet more people.  I want to go out and network.  I want to thrive and feed off of talking to people, hearing stories, learning new things, experiencing new things.

Haha oh yeah I also found Jenna on Tinder.  Whaaaaat the fuck is that?  Ughhhhh. Whatever.  That’s some crazy shit right there.  I’m pretty sure it’s her because I remember her mentioning that she’s going for her second degree online at ASU.  It has to be her.  I just don’t get it.  People don’t come back to the coffee shop lol.  WHAT DOES THIS ALL MEAN!?  Am I really that fucking bad???  Like I have the confidence, that’s not the issue at all.  The results though, fuck.  Fuck-ing stupid.  Anyways.

I just went ham eating not the best stuff.  It wasn’t THAT bad, but I know I gained some weight, just by looking in the mirror.  That’s the stuff that I don’t want to happen when I’m stressed.  I do stupid stuff like that…that’s also the reason why I don’t use the stupid fucking scale anymore, because subconsciously it gives me an excuse to eat like crap.  That’s also why I don’t like to skip out on the gym, because I’m not able to gauge on how I’m performing based off of my nutrition.  I just hope my Bulletproof Fat Fast will help shave off the pounds before the climb.  That was such a bad choice to let go the last couple of days.  It’s stress, boredom.  Fuck ugh.

I feel much better getting this all out.  I’ll probably head to the gym early.

Everytime I stare at the trees they tell me to calm down.  Relax.  Thanks trees :3.

Tim Ferriss’ podcast with Scott Adams.  Reticular Activating System and affirmations.  How the FUCK did I forget about something like this?  I’ve been doing this for years just on a yearly scale…

This happens.  I can do it on a general yearly scale I can aim this to smaller specific ones.  What the fuuuuuuuck how did I forget and miss this……………….

Infamous S2000 touge.

To be the best.

Insert theme song here (LOL):

I want to be free of a “J-O-B” so I can learn to play the piano again, in half the time I played.  6 months.  I know I was really good.  It just felt like driving a car.  Feel it out.

…I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing.

I don’t know how to decipher any behavioral dynamics anymore.  I honestly do not know what the fuck I’m doing or what the fuck is going on.  I just got off work and I need to vent lol.  I think that’s all for blogging.  My mind is spinning.  I’m not sure how to go about investing my time in romantic relationships anymore err uhh pursuing them rather?  I dunno some sort of wording like that.  Don’t mind me just blurting out whatever comes from my mind.

Can someone just meet me fucking halfway instead of having to carry everything?  That’s why I’m just NOT going to anymore.  Just don’t.  No more.

EARN ME.

[end rant]

I’m floating.  Not sure where I’m going.  Wandering, maybe hoping to run into a blue Subaru, maybe hoping to run into someone that will love me back, maybe hoping to find my niche, maybe hoping to find a starting point for coaching, maybe hoping to figure out how to apply CHPC to racing, maybe hoping to get ahead of my finances, maybe hoping to climb better, maybe hoping to drive better, maybe hoping to be more consistent, maybe hoping to not be so hard on myself, maybe hoping to not be cynical, maybe hoping that my efforts don’t go to waste, maybe hoping I can fully trust someone one day, maybe hoping that I will be living my life of my own accord, maybe hoping that my goals will be accomplished, maybe hoping that being me isn’t getting me stuck, maybe hoping I don’t have to turn into a complete asshole to find a relationship, maybe hoping that I can cut more fat without cutting muscle, maybe hoping that I can make it to all the events this last quarter, maybe hoping I’ll get my level 4 promotion/raise, maybe hoping…I dunno.